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21 December 2008 @ 05:17 pm
update, i havent been here since thanksgiving i think?  
i hate being eating disorder plagued, AND having a conscious.

i ate alot today. not going to say how much, just that its basically, 2 days worth of food for me.
too much.
way too much.

the self-mutilation... is getting worse.
i tried to stop, couldn't last even 6 months.
im pathetic, dont tell me i'm not because i am.
and i cant keep anything going to even six months.

everything is blowing up in my face, and im realizing that im so pathetic that i cantkeep anything going for even 6 months.

steve's* back. my razors are back. the drugs are back. the guilt is back.
i want to tear myself apart. i want to slice my skin off.
i want to be perfect. i want to be so fucked up i cant stand myself anymore and put myself out of misery.

i want to destroy myself

for those of you who dont know, steve was my first not-technically a boyfriend boyfriend, he was my first kiss.. the fist boy i made love to.... he was the first person who cared. the only reason why we started talking in the first place is because he saw the cuts on my arms when i was 12, and he was 14... and he showed my the scars on his arms from when he broke his own arms on purpose... he was my everything. including the love of my life. i'd do anything for him, just to see him happy, just to let him know that i was in love with him. he was honestly the most amazing person in this world. so understanding and loving and caring. he would do anything for anybody.... even if that meant hurting himself in the end. he turned into a sex feind... but he's back to the kid i fell in love with..... and im happy he's better

(Anonymous) on December 22nd, 2008 03:52 am (UTC)
its alright babe. i'm going through the same thing but i take every minute i can get through it as a victory. and it helps.